I haven't done this in a while, but here we go.
As a night shift nurse, my sleeping schedule is not ideal. I sometimes take a step back and just laugh at how crazy my life is sometimes.
For example, earlier this week I worked four 12-hour shifts in a row and then had one day off then worked another 12-hour shift. So on my one day off, I slept from 10am-5pm, got up and ate dinner and then fell back asleep at 10pm and slept till 9am, then I ate breakfast and did laundry. then slept from 1pm-5pm then got ready for work again.
You could say I was a little exhausted.
I also, have times where I can't go to sleep until 3am on my off days and wake up at 2pm the next day. My world is topsy tervy, but I wouldn't trade it for anything! Well, maybe day-shift..but that's another topic. hahaha!
These past few months have taught me a lot about myself and about God's relentless love for me and His people.
I never knew I could love a baby so much who wasn't even mine.
I didn't know that I was even capable of loving that hard.
Many people will never know or understand what really happens behind the walls of a NICU, but God gave me the pleasure of stepping into this world of neonates and fight for their lives. To love them well when their parents can't be there 24/7. To love them when they are crying. To love them when they rip their CPAP mask off again for the 17th time in one night. To love them when they are septic and dying. To love them when they finally get to go home with their mommy and daddy.
I am blessed to be able to love hard.
I also, along with learning about loving others, have learned a few other things.
Through the month of December, I was working a lot. I was eating, sleeping, and working. At least that's what it felt like. Then January came and I began to feel this weight. But still did not realize what was wrong with me. One night, I finally broke. I was on FaceTime with my friend Taylor, and I just broke down. I told her I was tired and upset. I didn't even realize what was going on until I hit rock bottom. I had given myself and given myself and finally I felt the weight of loneliness. As I was crying, Taylor began to read me her journal from the past month starting in December. Her prayers went a little something like this, "Jesus, I do not know exactly what is going on with my dear friend Lindsay, but please be with her and love her well. Jesus, please help Lindsay not feel lonely. Remind her that you love her and you are there for her." My friend new what was happening a month before me. Crazy right? No, not really. That's just Jesus.
I just love that.
I was reminded that I needed to take more time to be with my Jesus. To remember He is my main man. He was watching over me and whispering to me, "Lindsay, I love you dearly. And I am proud of you."
So, I began to really dive more into God's love for me and His people.
I realized that I focus so much on loving others, that I forget who loved me FIRST.
I decided to start a study on Hosea.
I knew that I had read it before and yes, I have read redeeming love. But I just felt the Lord leading me to this book.
At first I was very confused at how this book connected to me. I was reading about how Hosea was commanded by God to love an adulterous woman. Not only love her but have children with her. Then she leaves Hosea. Hosea is commanded by God to seek her out and keep loving her well. And then the book talks about how God keeps forgiving Israel after they worship idols and leave God.
Then it hit me.
I leave God. I stray away. I am sinful. I am broken.
But here is this gem..."And I will betroth you to Myself forever; Indeed I will betroth you to Myself in righteousness and justice and in lovingkindness and compassions; Indeed I will betroth you to Myself in faithfulness, and you will know Jehovah." Hosea 2: 19-20.
God watches over His children and when they stray He doesn't just watch idly by. He grieves. He years for our hearts. He pursues us. "He tenderly awaits for us to run back to Him." -SheReadsTruth.
How beautiful
I am so loved by my Dad. And so are you.
It's pretty sweet.
I am still figuring out this weird season in my life. But, let me tell you. It's much better with Jesus leading me with His love.
Love well my friends!
